Dear Joe,

You have only been in my life for a short time, yet I am pretty sure that I am in love with you. I hope I am not coming on too strong, which is ironic because  with you I do everything a little “too strong”. I know you have been around for a long time, and that you have turned many on to you, however I have not been ready for what you have to offer…up until recently. I am finally  willing to take the risk you have endowed on so many. After all, falling in love is a gamble and  I am willing to take the risk.

There are many reasons why I have fallen for you and I want you to know the effect you have on my mind AND my body.

You are always hot and when you aren’t,  you are ready to let me heat things up again. Even though you are much older than me, it is like you are a 22 year old beast.

I love extra cream and you always deliver making me blush with satisfaction.

You always know to keep the sweetness out, that is not what this is about. Our relations are bold and strong.

Even the simple touch of your mug warms me up enough to get me started.

There are days when you feel so brawny  and that is when you really get my pulse to palpitate.

There are days when you feel so gentle in my mouth and that is when I am left just wanting more.

Just the smell of you has an effect on my stomach. I think the effect may be butterflies but much more intense.

When I am hot and sweaty you do nothing but make me hotter.  Sometimes I am forced to add ice to cool things down a bit. You never complain.

After you are gone, I am left with nothing but a pungent taste in my mouth and a rising alertness wondering when I can see you again.

Joe, please promise me that you will always come back. Promise me that you will always be good to me and service me the way you have been. I am at your mercy and will continue to wake up every morning with you as the first thing on my mind. Since you have come into my life I find that I am insatiable only wanting more.

I need you to know that whatever happens you will always be my Joe, my java, my morning partner, my perfect cup of coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

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“Fits Five Comfortably”

Said my backyard hot tub AND the gym I worked out in at New York City.

It’s true…I believe you can fit just as many people in my hot tub at home as you could have at the gym I was working out in during my trip to New York City. Manhattan to be exact. There was an incident where I was on the treadmill and could not get off because there were two other adults stretching out on their yoga mats. (they were sharing a mat due to limited space). If I got off I would have had to step up and over their heads. I was sweaty and didn’t feel confident in my posterior or my balance.

So I waited…and waited…and waited…and walked…and walked… and walked. In any other city this would not be a problem but in NYC they had to put the stretching area right behind the treadmills. Either there or NOWHERE. I guess I needed the extra time on the treadmill anyway.

The next “run in” I had was when I needed to get a drink of water, you know, because I was forced to walk more than a mile. There was a little water cooler there. Unfortunately, the towel storage was located on top of the water cooler jug. The thing is that one of the other exercisers happened to be there to grab a towel to dry off his sweat. I had to wait for him to do his business so that I could grab a drink from this multi-purposed jug/towel rack. Not really a big deal but a small deal for sure.

It is not a secret that space is limited in the “Big Apple” and I am certainly not the first to write about it. However, I feel I need to vent a bit here. The thing is we spent a small fortune on Broadway tickets and I got hurt in the theater. Like, I totally left there in physical pain and I was sweating.  I don’t consider myself a completely large woman…I mean I am slightly tall. I am 5’10 with an average frame. I think that I should be able to sit comfortably in a theater seat, Yeah, I guess that is the case anywhere but in NYC.

Here’s how the Broadway show hurt:

My knees were knocking the woman’s head in front of me and the person behind me knees were knocking my head and so on and so on. Everyone left with a concussion. Ending many football careers.

On top of that the person sitting next to me was hovering over onto my chair and I was doing the same to the person next to me and so on and so on. Resulting in artificial perceptions of attraction. Ending many marriages.

We had to keep our coats on because where else would it fit? As a result many people got all sweated up. Resulting in dehydration. Ending many lives.

Our purses had to sit on our lap in a matter that made us all look like paranoid old bag ladies. There was no space on the floor in front of us to put it down. Resulting in misconceived prejudices. Ending many political careers.

Everyones feet were too big to face forward in front of their seats resulting in us kicking the seat in front of us and the person behind us kicking our seat and so on and so on. Resulting in many fist fights. Ending many clean records.

Forget all of the natural bodily functions that we had the pleasure of witnessing with our five senses. Resulting in many upset stomachs. Ending many couture outfits.

Disclaimer: Size matters people. It just does.

Make-up and Glasses: The Ugly Paradox

Well…I recently obtained a “prescription” to see. Now I must wear glasses to see the mundane details life wants to show me. For example, the hairs on my chin, the lines around my eyes, the stains on my teeth, and the dust on my shelves. Before I had this “prescription” I was living a blissful life, unaware of the flaws around or on me.

But I digress you see, (or maybe you don’t either), I have a new dilemma. I need my glasses to see…and I SEE that I need to wear my eye make-up, you know  to mask the lines and other issues, but I can’t put it on without my glasses and with my glasses on I can not put it on. WTH am I supposed to do? This is the “ugly paradox” I am faced with daily.

There are other dilemmas I now have too, like:

  • While picking out my clothes, I need my glasses to see the color details but I can not get my shirt on with my glasses on. I’ve tried and they fell partially off.
  • Walking on an incline on the treadmill and wearing glasses is a challenge. I need them to see the numbers and the TV but they get sweaty and lop-sided.
  • Watching TV in bed, I need them to see but they get bent up on my pillow.
  • My husband thinks I look sexy with my glasses on but I have to take them off to have sex, right?
  • I need to wear my glasses to accurately clean my body in the shower, but when I try to wear them they steam up.

Please lend me some advice. In the meantime, please give me a pass if my eye make-up doesn’t match one another. I am trying here…

*Please note- Don’t say contacts.*

Parenting from the “Nose Bleed” Section

…my twelve year old son.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to let go. It is not a choice, you see, it is being forced upon me by my pubescent son. We have conflicting needs right now. He needs his space and I need to be in his space, as I have been for the past twelve years.

I am aware that this is just the beginning.

Here is the dilemma, I am a physical lover. I nibble on checks, I pinch butts, and I relish in the natural scent of my children. I also find the mundane details of my kids’ days extremely interesting, like what they did in science, who did they sit with at lunch, etc.        I also like to ask a lot of insightful questions such as, “Are you glad you were born to me?”, “Can you believe you came out of my body?”, “Did you think about me at all today?”, “You know I breast fed you, right?”  In so many words, I am a stalker.

Unfortunately, several months ago I had a restraining order put on me by my boy. As a result, I had to relinquish my two parental court side seasonal ticket holder seats for two parental seats way up in the nose bleed section. I know it is saving me time and money, but the view sucks.

In order to prove my love to my boy, I will to step back, order myself a popcorn, and try to enjoy the view. I will just have to make sure to bring my glasses so I can see clearly.

I realize that as a parent, it is my duty to meet my kids needs. Right now, my son needs to be left alone. Better yet, he needs to think he is being left alone. Little does he know, I will always be watching from up top. I will be the one wearing the bright orange shirt so that when he  needs me, he will be able to see me.