Dear Joe,

You have only been in my life for a short time, yet I am pretty sure that I am in love with you. I hope I am not coming on too strong, which is ironic because  with you I do everything a little “too strong”. I know you have been around for a long time, and that you have turned many on to you, however I have not been ready for what you have to offer…up until recently. I am finally  willing to take the risk you have endowed on so many. After all, falling in love is a gamble and  I am willing to take the risk.

There are many reasons why I have fallen for you and I want you to know the effect you have on my mind AND my body.

You are always hot and when you aren’t,  you are ready to let me heat things up again. Even though you are much older than me, it is like you are a 22 year old beast.

I love extra cream and you always deliver making me blush with satisfaction.

You always know to keep the sweetness out, that is not what this is about. Our relations are bold and strong.

Even the simple touch of your mug warms me up enough to get me started.

There are days when you feel so brawny  and that is when you really get my pulse to palpitate.

There are days when you feel so gentle in my mouth and that is when I am left just wanting more.

Just the smell of you has an effect on my stomach. I think the effect may be butterflies but much more intense.

When I am hot and sweaty you do nothing but make me hotter.  Sometimes I am forced to add ice to cool things down a bit. You never complain.

After you are gone, I am left with nothing but a pungent taste in my mouth and a rising alertness wondering when I can see you again.

Joe, please promise me that you will always come back. Promise me that you will always be good to me and service me the way you have been. I am at your mercy and will continue to wake up every morning with you as the first thing on my mind. Since you have come into my life I find that I am insatiable only wanting more.

I need you to know that whatever happens you will always be my Joe, my java, my morning partner, my perfect cup of coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

“Fits Five Comfortably”

Said my backyard hot tub AND the gym I worked out in at New York City.

It’s true…I believe you can fit just as many people in my hot tub at home as you could have at the gym I was working out in during my trip to New York City. Manhattan to be exact. There was an incident where I was on the treadmill and could not get off because there were two other adults stretching out on their yoga mats. (they were sharing a mat due to limited space). If I got off I would have had to step up and over their heads. I was sweaty and didn’t feel confident in my posterior or my balance.

So I waited…and waited…and waited…and walked…and walked… and walked. In any other city this would not be a problem but in NYC they had to put the stretching area right behind the treadmills. Either there or NOWHERE. I guess I needed the extra time on the treadmill anyway.

The next “run in” I had was when I needed to get a drink of water, you know, because I was forced to walk more than a mile. There was a little water cooler there. Unfortunately, the towel storage was located on top of the water cooler jug. The thing is that one of the other exercisers happened to be there to grab a towel to dry off his sweat. I had to wait for him to do his business so that I could grab a drink from this multi-purposed jug/towel rack. Not really a big deal but a small deal for sure.

It is not a secret that space is limited in the “Big Apple” and I am certainly not the first to write about it. However, I feel I need to vent a bit here. The thing is we spent a small fortune on Broadway tickets and I got hurt in the theater. Like, I totally left there in physical pain and I was sweating.  I don’t consider myself a completely large woman…I mean I am slightly tall. I am 5’10 with an average frame. I think that I should be able to sit comfortably in a theater seat, Yeah, I guess that is the case anywhere but in NYC.

Here’s how the Broadway show hurt:

My knees were knocking the woman’s head in front of me and the person behind me knees were knocking my head and so on and so on. Everyone left with a concussion. Ending many football careers.

On top of that the person sitting next to me was hovering over onto my chair and I was doing the same to the person next to me and so on and so on. Resulting in artificial perceptions of attraction. Ending many marriages.

We had to keep our coats on because where else would it fit? As a result many people got all sweated up. Resulting in dehydration. Ending many lives.

Our purses had to sit on our lap in a matter that made us all look like paranoid old bag ladies. There was no space on the floor in front of us to put it down. Resulting in misconceived prejudices. Ending many political careers.

Everyones feet were too big to face forward in front of their seats resulting in us kicking the seat in front of us and the person behind us kicking our seat and so on and so on. Resulting in many fist fights. Ending many clean records.

Forget all of the natural bodily functions that we had the pleasure of witnessing with our five senses. Resulting in many upset stomachs. Ending many couture outfits.

Disclaimer: Size matters people. It just does.

Your Perfume is Destroying the World

There are many flaws in this society that we live in…it’s all over the news. We are inundated by the stories regarding the racist cops, the gang-banger’s killing kids, global-warming,  the starving kids in Appalachia, obesity, health-care, and so on. Most people can sympathize with these issues, however there is a very important issue that is being ignored by the media and the politicians. I beg to ask, “Why?”. Especially when so many Americans are being affected by this issue. What is the “issue” that I am referring to? Well, it is called, Narcissistic Perfume Wearing.  “Perfume Wearing will be the single demise of America”, says top American environmentalist and psychologist with the initials,  R.V. So many American’s feel they are entitled to polluting the air quality, (and my shirt), with their perfume, but why? Since the media is dedicating their time to less concerning matters, let me take the time here to inform the perfume wearers of the catastrophe they are causing to the world around them. When you hug others YOUr perfume gets on their shirts which aids in the spread of this tragic infliction. The spreading will contribute to air quality issues and worse than that is people are stuck smelling like YOU all day long. You should know that us non-wearers have yet to smell a perfume fragrance that can bring us any delight. They all smell like a chemistry lab, so the fact that you are on us all day stinks, literally. Another thing to consider is that fashionista’s say perfume went out of style in the 90’s. In most cases environmentalists would suggest recycling “out of style” materials or donating, but not when it comes to perfume, burning them is the only solution. When we are out to eat and you have over-applied, which is always the case, the people around you have a hard time getting the true essence of their meal…all they smell is YOU.  Shocking to you is that we would rather smell the broccoli than that crap you are wearing. As a result of your perfume scent, we usually lose our appetite and throw our food away. There are kids starving and we just threw out our food because you smell bad. “Wasteful!”, says your grandmother. While working out, YOUr odor is a imperfect combination of B.O. and perfume. Yep, the person on the treadmill next to you is stuck with YOU and this odor combo. American’s are gaining weight at a staggering rate, I blame the perfume wearers for kicking us off the treadmills too soon. There have been times when your friends have lent you their clothes and YOU have gloriously sprayed them with your perfume stench…now they are stuck with the dry-cleaning bill. Dry cleaning chemicals are putting holes in the ozone. This is your fault. Many Americans struggle with allergies and/or asthma and now YOU show up with your perfume and complicate matters. All air quality and health issues are a result of you and your spraying. Personal disclosure, I went on a date with a guy that sprayed so much on himself that I needed to use my Epi-pen. True story. First and last date. Why is this phenomena still an issue? The answer is, narcissism. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of narcissism is, a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, vanity, prestige and power, and are mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.  The problem with the perfume wearers is that they do not even know the problems they cause  because they are struggling with narcissism disorder. Notice that the common word used in the above scenarios is “YOU”. Perfume wearers believe that their choice in aroma is something all the people they encounter will enjoy the choice they have made. Here is the dilemma,  the people around you are stuck inhaling “your choice” and 99% of the time it is not enjoyed by others. Quite frankly it is a nuisance similar to a lingering fart. The difference is that a fart is not causing any harm to America. It is my duty to pick up where the media is lacking and help this society live up to the American standards that we are all entitled to. I will be spear-heading a peaceful march and demonstration in the streets of all three major cities with the hopes to stop the spraying of perfume. When you head out to the streets to participate in this movement, please chant the words, “Your Perfume; My poison”! Disclaimer: I’m sure you smell fine. I am only kidding.

Flames in Ferguson? Please, That’s Nothing Compared to…

PA-LEAzzz! That’s nothing compared to the damage I do regularly. I like to refer to myself as the “real suburban rebel”.

That’s right, I am a real suburban rebel. I stick it to the man frequently. You all better watch out because I can cause some real controversy in any and all towns I visit.

My staple offense is that I never and I mean NEVER wipe the gym equipment off after I use it. Reason? IF you are so concerned with sweat germs then you should wipe it BEFORE you get on. TAKE THAT!

At the school parking lot there reads a sign that says, “no left turn”. Guess what I do every time? Yep! I turn left, even if my destination is to the right. BOO-YAH!

Sometimes I tell people the dish I made is gluten-free when it actually has gluten in it. Hey, lighten up, I only do this to people without the allergy. I do this to vegetarians too. “Is this dish made with vegetarian stock?” me-“Yep”. (H no! I used chicken stock.) PA-LEASE.

No outside drinks?  Watch me leisurely drink my can of La Croix in every and all movie theaters. KISS MY GRITS!

I have lived up in here for over 8 years and I will NOT purchase a city sticker. FORGET THAT! “The man” wants to have his hand all up on my windshield. FAT CHANCE.

Library book due in three weeks? That’s a bunch of malarchy! I always return mine in three weeks and one day. SUCKERS!

No Smoking signs make me smoke and I do not even smoke. I don’t know how to inhale. FOOLS! WHO’S THE LOSER NOW?!

If the public bathroom stall is real small, there is no way I am going to flush that toilet while I am still in that micospace. Why? Because all that flushing flings everyone’s poop germs in to the air. FORGET THAT! I coined the line, “wipe and walk”. That’s what a rebel I am…I even have coined phrases.

Speaking of public bathroom stalls…I will always use the handicapped stall if it is available. Why? It is bigger and better and I have enough space to flush. That’s Why! I don’t even feel bad. Sometimes I have to wait to use the bathroom too. CHILLAX the later never actually happened!

Don’t even get me started on “j-walking”….

Take that “the man”! How does it feel?

Channeling the Thug Life to the Suburban Wife

Well, not entirely thug sometimes just smug…which might actually be the polar opposite of thug. Anywho…

Here’s my conflict, many specialists say that if we choose to speak to our children as though they are young adults they will feel respected and as a result will gain confidence. I concur because quite frankly, It doesn’t work for me. In fact, I never even tried. The reason is because I have a great theory. My theory is that adults need to speak to their kids in popular hip hop quotes from the 90’s. When the kids hear these phrases they will be so disorientated that they will respond positively. For example, they will feel more respected and as a result they will gain confidence. Once this happens the parent/child relationship will flourish. So far,  this has not been the case with me and my kids…I know  it will happen eventually and if nothing else, it will build a whole lot of character. This much I know.

I am willing to let you all in on my secret communication cues. Please get your pen and paper ready because you will want to take notes.

“Here we go, yo’, (this is the scenario)”: 

“Warm it up Chris” – to be used when referring to toasting toast or warming up the car during the colder months. The kids will gather to the table or in to the car upon hearing this sentence.

“Ya’ll ready for this?” – to be used when heading out of the car and toward the final destination…the kids will be sure to turn off the car television and any devices upon hearing this sentence.

“It’s all about the Benjimins.” – to be used when referring to allowances. The kids will efficiently start their chores upon hearing this sentence.

“What’s your man got to do with me?” – to be used whenever your child is making excuses for misbehaving.

“Drop it like it’s hot.” – to be used when your child is showing you something at the store they want you to buy them. They will be sure to put the item back where they found it without any hesitation upon hearing this sentence.

“Ain’t no thang” – To be used when your child is upset about a friend “dissing’ them. They will be sure to dis’ them upon hearing this sentence.

“O.G.” – This acronym is to be used when you need your child to take out the original garbage, not the recycling.

“You’re all up in my grill”– To be used when your child is too close to the fire, or oven, or the actual grill. He or she will promptly take a step back upon hearing this sentence.

“Stop, collaborate and listen”- To be used whenever you want to call a family meeting. All family members are sure to hither upon hearing this sentence.

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Innnn.” – To be used whenever you suggest to your kids they can have a sleepover.  This one is a fan favorite.

“Out on bail, fresh outta’ jail.” – To be used to communicate to your child that their off their grounding. They will never commit the same crime upon hearing this sentence.

“Beats from the East” – To be used in reference to turning the channel on the car radio. The kids will immediately change the station from the pop station to the oldies upon hearing this sentence.

“One, two, three, four, get your booty off the floor” –  To be used to tell your child to get off the ground and to sit up on the chair nicely. *notice the change the word “off” used to be “on”. They will sit nice and still in a seating device upon hearing this sentence.

“Whooop! There it is!” – To be used whenever you find that item the kid has been looking for. He or she will put their item away in its correct place this time upon hearing this sentence.

“Laaaaid back” – To be used when you need to communicate to your child that  it is bedtime. He or she will immediately head upstairs to bed.

Please consider using the above sentences to communicate to your child efficiently and respectively. The kids will be happy and you will relive your teenage years. It is a win-win and hey, you might even see the results I have been waiting for.

Feel free to comment on more 90’s hip hop sentences you use to communicate to your kids. Thank you in advance.

Peace out, playa’s.

Make-up and Glasses: The Ugly Paradox

Well…I recently obtained a “prescription” to see. Now I must wear glasses to see the mundane details life wants to show me. For example, the hairs on my chin, the lines around my eyes, the stains on my teeth, and the dust on my shelves. Before I had this “prescription” I was living a blissful life, unaware of the flaws around or on me.

But I digress you see, (or maybe you don’t either), I have a new dilemma. I need my glasses to see…and I SEE that I need to wear my eye make-up, you know  to mask the lines and other issues, but I can’t put it on without my glasses and with my glasses on I can not put it on. WTH am I supposed to do? This is the “ugly paradox” I am faced with daily.

There are other dilemmas I now have too, like:

  • While picking out my clothes, I need my glasses to see the color details but I can not get my shirt on with my glasses on. I’ve tried and they fell partially off.
  • Walking on an incline on the treadmill and wearing glasses is a challenge. I need them to see the numbers and the TV but they get sweaty and lop-sided.
  • Watching TV in bed, I need them to see but they get bent up on my pillow.
  • My husband thinks I look sexy with my glasses on but I have to take them off to have sex, right?
  • I need to wear my glasses to accurately clean my body in the shower, but when I try to wear them they steam up.

Please lend me some advice. In the meantime, please give me a pass if my eye make-up doesn’t match one another. I am trying here…

*Please note- Don’t say contacts.*

Broken Pedestal; Broken Marriage

I see it all too often…Marriages ending when the pedestal breaks.

You know that exciting time at the beginning of your relationship when everyone is on their best behavior? and looking their best? For example, in-shape, clean, man-scaped, polite, complementary, calm? That is the time when your significant other, AKA your S.O., is constantly complementing you, touching you, paying attention to you? That is the pedestal. It is brand spanking new. You are sitting right on top. Your S.O. put you up there. It’s a great feeling, I know.

The pedestal is a very important aspect to the beginning of a relationship. The beginning of any new relationship is very fragile. Because of the fragility, it is necessary to keep each other secure so the relationship will thrive. The pedestal is a critical tool at this point for this reason however, it is not constructed to last forever.

I am here to alert you that the pedestal does not come with a lifetime warranty. They always break. This action is ok for about 50% of marriages. Unfortunately for the additional 50%, divorce ensues shortly after. If you know of a couple that has been together for more than 10 years and their pedestal is still in “mint” condition, it is probably because someone had it secretly replaced (read between the lines here).

All too often I hear about couples that divorce because they are bored, or feeling under-appreciated or because the romance is gone…WHATEVER…this happens in all marriages. We have to work as a team to make time for one another and to keep the romance alive. It is easy to become lazy or comfortable when the pedestal breaks.  We can not rely on the pedestal to keep our marriages sufficient forever. It is an unattainable goal.

You might be thinking I am a skeptic or some sort of a “Negative Nancy”…No, I am not, I am a realist. I know that I am no longer sitting on top of my pedestal and neither is my S.O.. We are aware of this martial stage and have accepted it. As long as we are cool living without a pedestal, we will remain imperfectly-happily married. The individuals that are in need of the pedestal, AKA living in an idealist world, become disappointed and end up divorced or start searching outside the marriage for a new pedestal.

In the natural order of marriage your love for each other will become so secure and so confident that there won’t be a need for the pedestal anymore. Once you get over yourself and accept this, you will endure an everlasting love. Romance may fizzle, but the love is eternal and that is the true beauty of marriage.

Self disclosure: Sex will keep the marriage in tact. Keep doing it.

Parenting from the “Nose Bleed” Section

…my twelve year old son.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to let go. It is not a choice, you see, it is being forced upon me by my pubescent son. We have conflicting needs right now. He needs his space and I need to be in his space, as I have been for the past twelve years.

I am aware that this is just the beginning.

Here is the dilemma, I am a physical lover. I nibble on checks, I pinch butts, and I relish in the natural scent of my children. I also find the mundane details of my kids’ days extremely interesting, like what they did in science, who did they sit with at lunch, etc.        I also like to ask a lot of insightful questions such as, “Are you glad you were born to me?”, “Can you believe you came out of my body?”, “Did you think about me at all today?”, “You know I breast fed you, right?”  In so many words, I am a stalker.

Unfortunately, several months ago I had a restraining order put on me by my boy. As a result, I had to relinquish my two parental court side seasonal ticket holder seats for two parental seats way up in the nose bleed section. I know it is saving me time and money, but the view sucks.

In order to prove my love to my boy, I will to step back, order myself a popcorn, and try to enjoy the view. I will just have to make sure to bring my glasses so I can see clearly.

I realize that as a parent, it is my duty to meet my kids needs. Right now, my son needs to be left alone. Better yet, he needs to think he is being left alone. Little does he know, I will always be watching from up top. I will be the one wearing the bright orange shirt so that when he  needs me, he will be able to see me.