Flying Solo…might seem normal to many, however, I am completely bombarded with anxiety with the idea of it . Which is why I am making it a point to smash it right in the face. Here, right now, today, as I board the plane and head for New York City, all by myself. I am at war…with myself, with my thoughts, with my anxiety.
You see, I was diagnosed with having Panic Disorder when I was 20 years old making the ordinary seem extraordinary. Since I am a pleasantly stubborn person I have been making it a point to go war with the shithead, (AKA my anxiety) ever since.
As soon as I was given the diagnosis the war began. I do it by setting up battles with the shithead. At first the battles ended with seemingly small feats. For example, battle number 1 was to simply leave the house. Now adays I am on to bigger battles, i.e. the one I am fighting today which I am calling “Flying Solo”. There have been many other battles in between such as riding in a car as a passenger, hopping on the subway, spending the night away from home, going to the movies, etc. All of these actions are just a normal activity for many of you, however they are great successes for me.
At first the battles would frequently turn into long fights. Many times I lost. The losses were temporary due to to the fact that I have not and will not give up.
The battles that I have conquered are ones that I no longer have to think about. Once they are conquered they become just a normal activity for me…they are no longer extraordinary. Thankfully.
It is the “Flying Solo” battles that I am fighting currently. They are bigger battles with less fighting and the rewards are priceless. I am fighting for my freedom. Freedom from the shithead that has been trying to stand in my way of living peacefully.
There have been and will continue to be times that I try to trick myself into surrendering, and when this happens I make myself remember “the consequences” of surrendering.
“The consequence” looks, feels, and sounds like this:
Me, a prisoner…a prisoner of my home, my comfort, my ordinariness.
Me, lonely and depressed.
Me, always looking for a crutch.
Me, dragging my loved ones down with me.
I REFUSE TO SUFFER “the consequences” so I will fight. I will fight for my freedom.
*Everyone has something.*
Honorable Mention: Eating healthy is my one of my biggest allies. Shout out to you, Food!