Dear Joe,

You have only been in my life for a short time, yet I am pretty sure that I am in love with you. I hope I am not coming on too strong, which is ironic because  with you I do everything a little “too strong”. I know you have been around for a long time, and that you have turned many on to you, however I have not been ready for what you have to offer…up until recently. I am finally  willing to take the risk you have endowed on so many. After all, falling in love is a gamble and  I am willing to take the risk.

There are many reasons why I have fallen for you and I want you to know the effect you have on my mind AND my body.

You are always hot and when you aren’t,  you are ready to let me heat things up again. Even though you are much older than me, it is like you are a 22 year old beast.

I love extra cream and you always deliver making me blush with satisfaction.

You always know to keep the sweetness out, that is not what this is about. Our relations are bold and strong.

Even the simple touch of your mug warms me up enough to get me started.

There are days when you feel so brawny  and that is when you really get my pulse to palpitate.

There are days when you feel so gentle in my mouth and that is when I am left just wanting more.

Just the smell of you has an effect on my stomach. I think the effect may be butterflies but much more intense.

When I am hot and sweaty you do nothing but make me hotter.  Sometimes I am forced to add ice to cool things down a bit. You never complain.

After you are gone, I am left with nothing but a pungent taste in my mouth and a rising alertness wondering when I can see you again.

Joe, please promise me that you will always come back. Promise me that you will always be good to me and service me the way you have been. I am at your mercy and will continue to wake up every morning with you as the first thing on my mind. Since you have come into my life I find that I am insatiable only wanting more.

I need you to know that whatever happens you will always be my Joe, my java, my morning partner, my perfect cup of coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

Your Perfume is Destroying the World

There are many flaws in this society that we live in…it’s all over the news. We are inundated by the stories regarding the racist cops, the gang-banger’s killing kids, global-warming,  the starving kids in Appalachia, obesity, health-care, and so on. Most people can sympathize with these issues, however there is a very important issue that is being ignored by the media and the politicians. I beg to ask, “Why?”. Especially when so many Americans are being affected by this issue. What is the “issue” that I am referring to? Well, it is called, Narcissistic Perfume Wearing.  “Perfume Wearing will be the single demise of America”, says top American environmentalist and psychologist with the initials,  R.V. So many American’s feel they are entitled to polluting the air quality, (and my shirt), with their perfume, but why? Since the media is dedicating their time to less concerning matters, let me take the time here to inform the perfume wearers of the catastrophe they are causing to the world around them. When you hug others YOUr perfume gets on their shirts which aids in the spread of this tragic infliction. The spreading will contribute to air quality issues and worse than that is people are stuck smelling like YOU all day long. You should know that us non-wearers have yet to smell a perfume fragrance that can bring us any delight. They all smell like a chemistry lab, so the fact that you are on us all day stinks, literally. Another thing to consider is that fashionista’s say perfume went out of style in the 90’s. In most cases environmentalists would suggest recycling “out of style” materials or donating, but not when it comes to perfume, burning them is the only solution. When we are out to eat and you have over-applied, which is always the case, the people around you have a hard time getting the true essence of their meal…all they smell is YOU.  Shocking to you is that we would rather smell the broccoli than that crap you are wearing. As a result of your perfume scent, we usually lose our appetite and throw our food away. There are kids starving and we just threw out our food because you smell bad. “Wasteful!”, says your grandmother. While working out, YOUr odor is a imperfect combination of B.O. and perfume. Yep, the person on the treadmill next to you is stuck with YOU and this odor combo. American’s are gaining weight at a staggering rate, I blame the perfume wearers for kicking us off the treadmills too soon. There have been times when your friends have lent you their clothes and YOU have gloriously sprayed them with your perfume stench…now they are stuck with the dry-cleaning bill. Dry cleaning chemicals are putting holes in the ozone. This is your fault. Many Americans struggle with allergies and/or asthma and now YOU show up with your perfume and complicate matters. All air quality and health issues are a result of you and your spraying. Personal disclosure, I went on a date with a guy that sprayed so much on himself that I needed to use my Epi-pen. True story. First and last date. Why is this phenomena still an issue? The answer is, narcissism. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of narcissism is, a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, vanity, prestige and power, and are mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.  The problem with the perfume wearers is that they do not even know the problems they cause  because they are struggling with narcissism disorder. Notice that the common word used in the above scenarios is “YOU”. Perfume wearers believe that their choice in aroma is something all the people they encounter will enjoy the choice they have made. Here is the dilemma,  the people around you are stuck inhaling “your choice” and 99% of the time it is not enjoyed by others. Quite frankly it is a nuisance similar to a lingering fart. The difference is that a fart is not causing any harm to America. It is my duty to pick up where the media is lacking and help this society live up to the American standards that we are all entitled to. I will be spear-heading a peaceful march and demonstration in the streets of all three major cities with the hopes to stop the spraying of perfume. When you head out to the streets to participate in this movement, please chant the words, “Your Perfume; My poison”! Disclaimer: I’m sure you smell fine. I am only kidding.

Make-up and Glasses: The Ugly Paradox

Well…I recently obtained a “prescription” to see. Now I must wear glasses to see the mundane details life wants to show me. For example, the hairs on my chin, the lines around my eyes, the stains on my teeth, and the dust on my shelves. Before I had this “prescription” I was living a blissful life, unaware of the flaws around or on me.

But I digress you see, (or maybe you don’t either), I have a new dilemma. I need my glasses to see…and I SEE that I need to wear my eye make-up, you know  to mask the lines and other issues, but I can’t put it on without my glasses and with my glasses on I can not put it on. WTH am I supposed to do? This is the “ugly paradox” I am faced with daily.

There are other dilemmas I now have too, like:

  • While picking out my clothes, I need my glasses to see the color details but I can not get my shirt on with my glasses on. I’ve tried and they fell partially off.
  • Walking on an incline on the treadmill and wearing glasses is a challenge. I need them to see the numbers and the TV but they get sweaty and lop-sided.
  • Watching TV in bed, I need them to see but they get bent up on my pillow.
  • My husband thinks I look sexy with my glasses on but I have to take them off to have sex, right?
  • I need to wear my glasses to accurately clean my body in the shower, but when I try to wear them they steam up.

Please lend me some advice. In the meantime, please give me a pass if my eye make-up doesn’t match one another. I am trying here…

*Please note- Don’t say contacts.*

I Never Had Boobs, But I Always Had A Date

Dear Small-Breasted Women,

I am a 38-year-old woman who has worn a size 32A cup since puberty. For those of you who do not know this is the absolute smallest bra size available.

Over recent years, I began to notice that small breasted woman are practically an endangered species. I remember when I was younger I had a group of girls that had the same small breasts as me. We would joke around about our “flat-chests”. Now, when I think about those same girls I recall that most of them have altered themselves…I am one of the last woman I know with the small chest I was born with. It’s not only the girls I grew up with, it is also the moms at the public pool, the young woman at the bar, the models in magazines, and the celebrities I see on television. Hardly no one I see has small breasts anymore. I have come to the realization that practically every woman I know has bigger boobs than me! I beg to ask, why?

My small breasts have never stopped me from anything, for example:

Everyone I have met thus far has made excellent eye-contact with me.
My two children had plenty of milk when nursing from my little boobs.
I can look great in a dress.
I can wear a bikini.
I am able to hit the gym or the pavement, or the yoga mat in ease.
I have always been able to find and fit into great clothes.
I can buy cheap bras.
I am married to a sexy and successful and kind man.
Come to think of it…I have ALWAYS had a date…a great date even.
Most importantly, my small breasts have given me great material for jokes.

After thinking about my life thus far with my small boobs, I became even more confused…What has motivated so many woman to have their breasts enlarged? I mean, they went to the doctor and elected to have their body mutilated, and stuffed with foreign objects. They spent a ton of money and choose to endure excruciating pain to have bigger boobs…not to mention those things can not be comfortable! My small A cup’s have worked just fine my whole life…Maybe I don’t know what I am missing?

This letter is my attempt to let you all know that my small breast size has had little to no impact on my life nor will it on yours. I am here to let all the woman contemplating this procedure know that with the right attitude and a nice personality you will too always have a date. I am reassuring you of this because I can not think of another reason why woman would think bigger boobs are the ideal unless they are considering what the opposite sex would prefer. If that is the case, please note God gave us small-chested woman, “the ass-man”.

Disclaimer: I am not judging the woman who have had this procedure. It is my goal to empower those with small-breasts. Also, I am aware that there are many cases when plastic surgery is necessary.