Dear Joe,

You have only been in my life for a short time, yet I am pretty sure that I am in love with you. I hope I am not coming on too strong, which is ironic because  with you I do everything a little “too strong”. I know you have been around for a long time, and that you have turned many on to you, however I have not been ready for what you have to offer…up until recently. I am finally  willing to take the risk you have endowed on so many. After all, falling in love is a gamble and  I am willing to take the risk.

There are many reasons why I have fallen for you and I want you to know the effect you have on my mind AND my body.

You are always hot and when you aren’t,  you are ready to let me heat things up again. Even though you are much older than me, it is like you are a 22 year old beast.

I love extra cream and you always deliver making me blush with satisfaction.

You always know to keep the sweetness out, that is not what this is about. Our relations are bold and strong.

Even the simple touch of your mug warms me up enough to get me started.

There are days when you feel so brawny  and that is when you really get my pulse to palpitate.

There are days when you feel so gentle in my mouth and that is when I am left just wanting more.

Just the smell of you has an effect on my stomach. I think the effect may be butterflies but much more intense.

When I am hot and sweaty you do nothing but make me hotter.  Sometimes I am forced to add ice to cool things down a bit. You never complain.

After you are gone, I am left with nothing but a pungent taste in my mouth and a rising alertness wondering when I can see you again.

Joe, please promise me that you will always come back. Promise me that you will always be good to me and service me the way you have been. I am at your mercy and will continue to wake up every morning with you as the first thing on my mind. Since you have come into my life I find that I am insatiable only wanting more.

I need you to know that whatever happens you will always be my Joe, my java, my morning partner, my perfect cup of coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

Channeling the Thug Life to the Suburban Wife

Well, not entirely thug sometimes just smug…which might actually be the polar opposite of thug. Anywho…

Here’s my conflict, many specialists say that if we choose to speak to our children as though they are young adults they will feel respected and as a result will gain confidence. I concur because quite frankly, It doesn’t work for me. In fact, I never even tried. The reason is because I have a great theory. My theory is that adults need to speak to their kids in popular hip hop quotes from the 90’s. When the kids hear these phrases they will be so disorientated that they will respond positively. For example, they will feel more respected and as a result they will gain confidence. Once this happens the parent/child relationship will flourish. So far,  this has not been the case with me and my kids…I know  it will happen eventually and if nothing else, it will build a whole lot of character. This much I know.

I am willing to let you all in on my secret communication cues. Please get your pen and paper ready because you will want to take notes.

“Here we go, yo’, (this is the scenario)”: 

“Warm it up Chris” – to be used when referring to toasting toast or warming up the car during the colder months. The kids will gather to the table or in to the car upon hearing this sentence.

“Ya’ll ready for this?” – to be used when heading out of the car and toward the final destination…the kids will be sure to turn off the car television and any devices upon hearing this sentence.

“It’s all about the Benjimins.” – to be used when referring to allowances. The kids will efficiently start their chores upon hearing this sentence.

“What’s your man got to do with me?” – to be used whenever your child is making excuses for misbehaving.

“Drop it like it’s hot.” – to be used when your child is showing you something at the store they want you to buy them. They will be sure to put the item back where they found it without any hesitation upon hearing this sentence.

“Ain’t no thang” – To be used when your child is upset about a friend “dissing’ them. They will be sure to dis’ them upon hearing this sentence.

“O.G.” – This acronym is to be used when you need your child to take out the original garbage, not the recycling.

“You’re all up in my grill”– To be used when your child is too close to the fire, or oven, or the actual grill. He or she will promptly take a step back upon hearing this sentence.

“Stop, collaborate and listen”- To be used whenever you want to call a family meeting. All family members are sure to hither upon hearing this sentence.

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Innnn.” – To be used whenever you suggest to your kids they can have a sleepover.  This one is a fan favorite.

“Out on bail, fresh outta’ jail.” – To be used to communicate to your child that their off their grounding. They will never commit the same crime upon hearing this sentence.

“Beats from the East” – To be used in reference to turning the channel on the car radio. The kids will immediately change the station from the pop station to the oldies upon hearing this sentence.

“One, two, three, four, get your booty off the floor” –  To be used to tell your child to get off the ground and to sit up on the chair nicely. *notice the change the word “off” used to be “on”. They will sit nice and still in a seating device upon hearing this sentence.

“Whooop! There it is!” – To be used whenever you find that item the kid has been looking for. He or she will put their item away in its correct place this time upon hearing this sentence.

“Laaaaid back” – To be used when you need to communicate to your child that  it is bedtime. He or she will immediately head upstairs to bed.

Please consider using the above sentences to communicate to your child efficiently and respectively. The kids will be happy and you will relive your teenage years. It is a win-win and hey, you might even see the results I have been waiting for.

Feel free to comment on more 90’s hip hop sentences you use to communicate to your kids. Thank you in advance.

Peace out, playa’s.

Broken Pedestal; Broken Marriage

I see it all too often…Marriages ending when the pedestal breaks.

You know that exciting time at the beginning of your relationship when everyone is on their best behavior? and looking their best? For example, in-shape, clean, man-scaped, polite, complementary, calm? That is the time when your significant other, AKA your S.O., is constantly complementing you, touching you, paying attention to you? That is the pedestal. It is brand spanking new. You are sitting right on top. Your S.O. put you up there. It’s a great feeling, I know.

The pedestal is a very important aspect to the beginning of a relationship. The beginning of any new relationship is very fragile. Because of the fragility, it is necessary to keep each other secure so the relationship will thrive. The pedestal is a critical tool at this point for this reason however, it is not constructed to last forever.

I am here to alert you that the pedestal does not come with a lifetime warranty. They always break. This action is ok for about 50% of marriages. Unfortunately for the additional 50%, divorce ensues shortly after. If you know of a couple that has been together for more than 10 years and their pedestal is still in “mint” condition, it is probably because someone had it secretly replaced (read between the lines here).

All too often I hear about couples that divorce because they are bored, or feeling under-appreciated or because the romance is gone…WHATEVER…this happens in all marriages. We have to work as a team to make time for one another and to keep the romance alive. It is easy to become lazy or comfortable when the pedestal breaks.  We can not rely on the pedestal to keep our marriages sufficient forever. It is an unattainable goal.

You might be thinking I am a skeptic or some sort of a “Negative Nancy”…No, I am not, I am a realist. I know that I am no longer sitting on top of my pedestal and neither is my S.O.. We are aware of this martial stage and have accepted it. As long as we are cool living without a pedestal, we will remain imperfectly-happily married. The individuals that are in need of the pedestal, AKA living in an idealist world, become disappointed and end up divorced or start searching outside the marriage for a new pedestal.

In the natural order of marriage your love for each other will become so secure and so confident that there won’t be a need for the pedestal anymore. Once you get over yourself and accept this, you will endure an everlasting love. Romance may fizzle, but the love is eternal and that is the true beauty of marriage.

Self disclosure: Sex will keep the marriage in tact. Keep doing it.

Parenting from the “Nose Bleed” Section

…my twelve year old son.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to let go. It is not a choice, you see, it is being forced upon me by my pubescent son. We have conflicting needs right now. He needs his space and I need to be in his space, as I have been for the past twelve years.

I am aware that this is just the beginning.

Here is the dilemma, I am a physical lover. I nibble on checks, I pinch butts, and I relish in the natural scent of my children. I also find the mundane details of my kids’ days extremely interesting, like what they did in science, who did they sit with at lunch, etc.        I also like to ask a lot of insightful questions such as, “Are you glad you were born to me?”, “Can you believe you came out of my body?”, “Did you think about me at all today?”, “You know I breast fed you, right?”  In so many words, I am a stalker.

Unfortunately, several months ago I had a restraining order put on me by my boy. As a result, I had to relinquish my two parental court side seasonal ticket holder seats for two parental seats way up in the nose bleed section. I know it is saving me time and money, but the view sucks.

In order to prove my love to my boy, I will to step back, order myself a popcorn, and try to enjoy the view. I will just have to make sure to bring my glasses so I can see clearly.

I realize that as a parent, it is my duty to meet my kids needs. Right now, my son needs to be left alone. Better yet, he needs to think he is being left alone. Little does he know, I will always be watching from up top. I will be the one wearing the bright orange shirt so that when he  needs me, he will be able to see me.