Your Perfume is Destroying the World

There are many flaws in this society that we live in…it’s all over the news. We are inundated by the stories regarding the racist cops, the gang-banger’s killing kids, global-warming,  the starving kids in Appalachia, obesity, health-care, and so on. Most people can sympathize with these issues, however there is a very important issue that is being ignored by the media and the politicians. I beg to ask, “Why?”. Especially when so many Americans are being affected by this issue. What is the “issue” that I am referring to? Well, it is called, Narcissistic Perfume Wearing.  “Perfume Wearing will be the single demise of America”, says top American environmentalist and psychologist with the initials,  R.V. So many American’s feel they are entitled to polluting the air quality, (and my shirt), with their perfume, but why? Since the media is dedicating their time to less concerning matters, let me take the time here to inform the perfume wearers of the catastrophe they are causing to the world around them. When you hug others YOUr perfume gets on their shirts which aids in the spread of this tragic infliction. The spreading will contribute to air quality issues and worse than that is people are stuck smelling like YOU all day long. You should know that us non-wearers have yet to smell a perfume fragrance that can bring us any delight. They all smell like a chemistry lab, so the fact that you are on us all day stinks, literally. Another thing to consider is that fashionista’s say perfume went out of style in the 90’s. In most cases environmentalists would suggest recycling “out of style” materials or donating, but not when it comes to perfume, burning them is the only solution. When we are out to eat and you have over-applied, which is always the case, the people around you have a hard time getting the true essence of their meal…all they smell is YOU.  Shocking to you is that we would rather smell the broccoli than that crap you are wearing. As a result of your perfume scent, we usually lose our appetite and throw our food away. There are kids starving and we just threw out our food because you smell bad. “Wasteful!”, says your grandmother. While working out, YOUr odor is a imperfect combination of B.O. and perfume. Yep, the person on the treadmill next to you is stuck with YOU and this odor combo. American’s are gaining weight at a staggering rate, I blame the perfume wearers for kicking us off the treadmills too soon. There have been times when your friends have lent you their clothes and YOU have gloriously sprayed them with your perfume stench…now they are stuck with the dry-cleaning bill. Dry cleaning chemicals are putting holes in the ozone. This is your fault. Many Americans struggle with allergies and/or asthma and now YOU show up with your perfume and complicate matters. All air quality and health issues are a result of you and your spraying. Personal disclosure, I went on a date with a guy that sprayed so much on himself that I needed to use my Epi-pen. True story. First and last date. Why is this phenomena still an issue? The answer is, narcissism. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of narcissism is, a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, vanity, prestige and power, and are mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.  The problem with the perfume wearers is that they do not even know the problems they cause  because they are struggling with narcissism disorder. Notice that the common word used in the above scenarios is “YOU”. Perfume wearers believe that their choice in aroma is something all the people they encounter will enjoy the choice they have made. Here is the dilemma,  the people around you are stuck inhaling “your choice” and 99% of the time it is not enjoyed by others. Quite frankly it is a nuisance similar to a lingering fart. The difference is that a fart is not causing any harm to America. It is my duty to pick up where the media is lacking and help this society live up to the American standards that we are all entitled to. I will be spear-heading a peaceful march and demonstration in the streets of all three major cities with the hopes to stop the spraying of perfume. When you head out to the streets to participate in this movement, please chant the words, “Your Perfume; My poison”! Disclaimer: I’m sure you smell fine. I am only kidding.

Flames in Ferguson? Please, That’s Nothing Compared to…

PA-LEAzzz! That’s nothing compared to the damage I do regularly. I like to refer to myself as the “real suburban rebel”.

That’s right, I am a real suburban rebel. I stick it to the man frequently. You all better watch out because I can cause some real controversy in any and all towns I visit.

My staple offense is that I never and I mean NEVER wipe the gym equipment off after I use it. Reason? IF you are so concerned with sweat germs then you should wipe it BEFORE you get on. TAKE THAT!

At the school parking lot there reads a sign that says, “no left turn”. Guess what I do every time? Yep! I turn left, even if my destination is to the right. BOO-YAH!

Sometimes I tell people the dish I made is gluten-free when it actually has gluten in it. Hey, lighten up, I only do this to people without the allergy. I do this to vegetarians too. “Is this dish made with vegetarian stock?” me-“Yep”. (H no! I used chicken stock.) PA-LEASE.

No outside drinks?  Watch me leisurely drink my can of La Croix in every and all movie theaters. KISS MY GRITS!

I have lived up in here for over 8 years and I will NOT purchase a city sticker. FORGET THAT! “The man” wants to have his hand all up on my windshield. FAT CHANCE.

Library book due in three weeks? That’s a bunch of malarchy! I always return mine in three weeks and one day. SUCKERS!

No Smoking signs make me smoke and I do not even smoke. I don’t know how to inhale. FOOLS! WHO’S THE LOSER NOW?!

If the public bathroom stall is real small, there is no way I am going to flush that toilet while I am still in that micospace. Why? Because all that flushing flings everyone’s poop germs in to the air. FORGET THAT! I coined the line, “wipe and walk”. That’s what a rebel I am…I even have coined phrases.

Speaking of public bathroom stalls…I will always use the handicapped stall if it is available. Why? It is bigger and better and I have enough space to flush. That’s Why! I don’t even feel bad. Sometimes I have to wait to use the bathroom too. CHILLAX the later never actually happened!

Don’t even get me started on “j-walking”….

Take that “the man”! How does it feel?

Channeling the Thug Life to the Suburban Wife

Well, not entirely thug sometimes just smug…which might actually be the polar opposite of thug. Anywho…

Here’s my conflict, many specialists say that if we choose to speak to our children as though they are young adults they will feel respected and as a result will gain confidence. I concur because quite frankly, It doesn’t work for me. In fact, I never even tried. The reason is because I have a great theory. My theory is that adults need to speak to their kids in popular hip hop quotes from the 90’s. When the kids hear these phrases they will be so disorientated that they will respond positively. For example, they will feel more respected and as a result they will gain confidence. Once this happens the parent/child relationship will flourish. So far,  this has not been the case with me and my kids…I know  it will happen eventually and if nothing else, it will build a whole lot of character. This much I know.

I am willing to let you all in on my secret communication cues. Please get your pen and paper ready because you will want to take notes.

“Here we go, yo’, (this is the scenario)”: 

“Warm it up Chris” – to be used when referring to toasting toast or warming up the car during the colder months. The kids will gather to the table or in to the car upon hearing this sentence.

“Ya’ll ready for this?” – to be used when heading out of the car and toward the final destination…the kids will be sure to turn off the car television and any devices upon hearing this sentence.

“It’s all about the Benjimins.” – to be used when referring to allowances. The kids will efficiently start their chores upon hearing this sentence.

“What’s your man got to do with me?” – to be used whenever your child is making excuses for misbehaving.

“Drop it like it’s hot.” – to be used when your child is showing you something at the store they want you to buy them. They will be sure to put the item back where they found it without any hesitation upon hearing this sentence.

“Ain’t no thang” – To be used when your child is upset about a friend “dissing’ them. They will be sure to dis’ them upon hearing this sentence.

“O.G.” – This acronym is to be used when you need your child to take out the original garbage, not the recycling.

“You’re all up in my grill”– To be used when your child is too close to the fire, or oven, or the actual grill. He or she will promptly take a step back upon hearing this sentence.

“Stop, collaborate and listen”- To be used whenever you want to call a family meeting. All family members are sure to hither upon hearing this sentence.

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Innnn.” – To be used whenever you suggest to your kids they can have a sleepover.  This one is a fan favorite.

“Out on bail, fresh outta’ jail.” – To be used to communicate to your child that their off their grounding. They will never commit the same crime upon hearing this sentence.

“Beats from the East” – To be used in reference to turning the channel on the car radio. The kids will immediately change the station from the pop station to the oldies upon hearing this sentence.

“One, two, three, four, get your booty off the floor” –  To be used to tell your child to get off the ground and to sit up on the chair nicely. *notice the change the word “off” used to be “on”. They will sit nice and still in a seating device upon hearing this sentence.

“Whooop! There it is!” – To be used whenever you find that item the kid has been looking for. He or she will put their item away in its correct place this time upon hearing this sentence.

“Laaaaid back” – To be used when you need to communicate to your child that  it is bedtime. He or she will immediately head upstairs to bed.

Please consider using the above sentences to communicate to your child efficiently and respectively. The kids will be happy and you will relive your teenage years. It is a win-win and hey, you might even see the results I have been waiting for.

Feel free to comment on more 90’s hip hop sentences you use to communicate to your kids. Thank you in advance.

Peace out, playa’s.