Flames in Ferguson? Please, That’s Nothing Compared to…

PA-LEAzzz! That’s nothing compared to the damage I do regularly. I like to refer to myself as the “real suburban rebel”.

That’s right, I am a real suburban rebel. I stick it to the man frequently. You all better watch out because I can cause some real controversy in any and all towns I visit.

My staple offense is that I never and I mean NEVER wipe the gym equipment off after I use it. Reason? IF you are so concerned with sweat germs then you should wipe it BEFORE you get on. TAKE THAT!

At the school parking lot there reads a sign that says, “no left turn”. Guess what I do every time? Yep! I turn left, even if my destination is to the right. BOO-YAH!

Sometimes I tell people the dish I made is gluten-free when it actually has gluten in it. Hey, lighten up, I only do this to people without the allergy. I do this to vegetarians too. “Is this dish made with vegetarian stock?” me-“Yep”. (H no! I used chicken stock.) PA-LEASE.

No outside drinks?  Watch me leisurely drink my can of La Croix in every and all movie theaters. KISS MY GRITS!

I have lived up in here for over 8 years and I will NOT purchase a city sticker. FORGET THAT! “The man” wants to have his hand all up on my windshield. FAT CHANCE.

Library book due in three weeks? That’s a bunch of malarchy! I always return mine in three weeks and one day. SUCKERS!

No Smoking signs make me smoke and I do not even smoke. I don’t know how to inhale. FOOLS! WHO’S THE LOSER NOW?!

If the public bathroom stall is real small, there is no way I am going to flush that toilet while I am still in that micospace. Why? Because all that flushing flings everyone’s poop germs in to the air. FORGET THAT! I coined the line, “wipe and walk”. That’s what a rebel I am…I even have coined phrases.

Speaking of public bathroom stalls…I will always use the handicapped stall if it is available. Why? It is bigger and better and I have enough space to flush. That’s Why! I don’t even feel bad. Sometimes I have to wait to use the bathroom too. CHILLAX the later never actually happened!

Don’t even get me started on “j-walking”….

Take that “the man”! How does it feel?

Make-up and Glasses: The Ugly Paradox

Well…I recently obtained a “prescription” to see. Now I must wear glasses to see the mundane details life wants to show me. For example, the hairs on my chin, the lines around my eyes, the stains on my teeth, and the dust on my shelves. Before I had this “prescription” I was living a blissful life, unaware of the flaws around or on me.

But I digress you see, (or maybe you don’t either), I have a new dilemma. I need my glasses to see…and I SEE that I need to wear my eye make-up, you know  to mask the lines and other issues, but I can’t put it on without my glasses and with my glasses on I can not put it on. WTH am I supposed to do? This is the “ugly paradox” I am faced with daily.

There are other dilemmas I now have too, like:

  • While picking out my clothes, I need my glasses to see the color details but I can not get my shirt on with my glasses on. I’ve tried and they fell partially off.
  • Walking on an incline on the treadmill and wearing glasses is a challenge. I need them to see the numbers and the TV but they get sweaty and lop-sided.
  • Watching TV in bed, I need them to see but they get bent up on my pillow.
  • My husband thinks I look sexy with my glasses on but I have to take them off to have sex, right?
  • I need to wear my glasses to accurately clean my body in the shower, but when I try to wear them they steam up.

Please lend me some advice. In the meantime, please give me a pass if my eye make-up doesn’t match one another. I am trying here…

*Please note- Don’t say contacts.*