Dear Joe,

You have only been in my life for a short time, yet I am pretty sure that I am in love with you. I hope I am not coming on too strong, which is ironic because  with you I do everything a little “too strong”. I know you have been around for a long time, and that you have turned many on to you, however I have not been ready for what you have to offer…up until recently. I am finally  willing to take the risk you have endowed on so many. After all, falling in love is a gamble and  I am willing to take the risk.

There are many reasons why I have fallen for you and I want you to know the effect you have on my mind AND my body.

You are always hot and when you aren’t,  you are ready to let me heat things up again. Even though you are much older than me, it is like you are a 22 year old beast.

I love extra cream and you always deliver making me blush with satisfaction.

You always know to keep the sweetness out, that is not what this is about. Our relations are bold and strong.

Even the simple touch of your mug warms me up enough to get me started.

There are days when you feel so brawny  and that is when you really get my pulse to palpitate.

There are days when you feel so gentle in my mouth and that is when I am left just wanting more.

Just the smell of you has an effect on my stomach. I think the effect may be butterflies but much more intense.

When I am hot and sweaty you do nothing but make me hotter.  Sometimes I am forced to add ice to cool things down a bit. You never complain.

After you are gone, I am left with nothing but a pungent taste in my mouth and a rising alertness wondering when I can see you again.

Joe, please promise me that you will always come back. Promise me that you will always be good to me and service me the way you have been. I am at your mercy and will continue to wake up every morning with you as the first thing on my mind. Since you have come into my life I find that I am insatiable only wanting more.

I need you to know that whatever happens you will always be my Joe, my java, my morning partner, my perfect cup of coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

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Choosing Sunny Side Up

Ever notice how your indoor plants grow  toward the sunny side of the room?

or how dogs lie in the sunny spot on the floor?

or how people congregate  toward the sunny dipositioned people?

or how good the sunshine feels on your face … especially when the weather is crisp, and the sun feels  like a warm blanket for your soul?

My point is that  most  living things are attracted to the bright side.  We strive to stay in the sun…the sun brings life, the sun brings warmth, and the sun brings celebration. As humans we have the brain capability to  absorb this idea.

Unfortunately, for many the sun is clouded. In my opinion, it is these three  things that cause it most;

tragedy (which is complicted so I will leave this untouched for now),

addiction,

or an usual magnetism toward negativity, jealously or hatred toward others.

I think that the most devastating cloud magnet of all is addiction. This is when a person is both a victim and a criminal to their own self. I will never condemn someone who is aware of their addiction. I have seen how the clouds stay and the addict tries in all their power to escape them. I lost my dad to addiction and continue to see other people I care about get lost too. This is not a life anyone chooses. It is a fight that is bigger than the addict. We will never understand unless we too become one.  The most unfortunate is those who do not acknowledge their addiction. Either way, all we can do is offer up an umbrella because the storm NEVER settles.

Jealously, in my opinion, is one of life’s biggest upsets because it is self-inflicted. We can bring more sunshine to the world but choose not to. Here, we have the power, which is a great thing! We can prevent the storms  by dealing with our own jealousies, finding a way to be confident in who we are, and by spreading joy and refraining from judgement. By trying to deliberately block others’ sunshine, we become blinded by the darkness we bring to no one but our own selves. Nothing makes a person more ugly, and more dark,  than the evil emotion of jealously. Major side effects of jealously are judgement, revenge and hatred. Who does this bring  the most clouds to? The answer is obvious. The end result is this; People notice, clouds spread across the sun and before we know it a storm is under way. After the storm comes stillness, loneliness, and guilt,  but mostly for the one causing the deliberate disturbance.  Most people do not want to be around stormy people. People walk away, leaving you alone without an umbrella. They go away from you to find the sunny side.

Now, if you will excuse me, I will be basking in the sun with my dog. I will have my sunblock for those of you that want to join me and for anyone else,  I have an umbrella you can have.

Disclaimer: It is my hope that you all get that truly intelligent people realize they are  a work in progress and as long as they are aware, they can change. Be patient, change takes time.

Going Back in Time

…only to find that you’re the only one living there. The town has been abandoned or worse, everything remains in and out-of-place. Some things have evolved at the some time other things have deteriorated.  Realizing the way you left someone or someplace isn’t as it was. We dream to ourselves, we reminisce to our peers and then we move on with our future. All along believing what we dwell on is as it was and will forever be until we realize its new truth by seeing it as it now is.

The drunk is now sober. The sober is now drunk. The city is now a farm and the farm is now a city. The house is a parking lot and the parking lot is now a suburb. The heart misses, the mind retracts, the future rolls on without regard to any of this being possible.

After many moments acceptance rolls in and with that comes new appreciation for what has become. Simultaneously, fear and dread appear, reminding us that nothing lasts forever. We too have become something different or worse…we stayed the same.

My Own Biggest Fan…

I know I am ass, HOWEVER…

I am my own biggest fan!

I may unintentionally offend many people with my vulgarities and my absurd,  one-sided opinions but it is who I am or better yet, it is how I cope with my flawed personality. And we all have a flawed personality.

Here is an example of what I mean: after a night out with friends or acquaintances I lay awake at night laughing at the unusual things that came out of my mouth. I react this way because most of the stuff I say I just thought of right there in the moment. Nothing is rehearsed or thought through. If it was I know I would NEVER say it.  I sometimes laugh for a whole 24 hours afterwards. I also think about  how others join in and how they let their true selves come forward too. It warms my heart so much to hear their laughter and to see them really open up.

The reason I am bringing attention to this is because at the ripe age of 39 I am finally enjoying who I am. I am not enjoying who I am because I think that I am perfect, or because I think I am great,  funny, or right. I enjoy myself because I am flawed…extremely flawed…so flawed that all  I can do is laugh. I am my own biggest joke. How fun is that?! I am literally having a blast with myself at the ripe age of 39, practically all the time. Imagine walking around with your best friend…the funny one! That is what it is like. I insist you give it  a try.

Here are the steps to becoming “Your Own Biggest Fan”:

  1. Acknowledge your flaws. (You really have to be honest with yourself here. )
  2. Announce your flaws to the world. (Be blunt…and loud. The later usually comes naturally.)
  3. Reject what others think of  you. (As long as you aren’t intentionally offending others it isn’t your business what they think of you.)
  4. Realize others really don’t give a shit. (They are too worried about how they come across.)
  5. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. (and snort…snorting is fun!)

Don’t get me wrong, I have gone too far many times. People have backed away or have decided that I am not their kind of person. This is the challenging part. What I do to deal with this rejection and judgement is quite simple. I tell myself that it is better to be liked and accepted for who I truly am than to be restricted just to make someone else like me. The later is how I lived my life for 35 years. I stifled myself so that more people would like me. It worked out ok but I found that I really didn’t enjoy being around the people who I felt I had to be a certain way with.  It was work keeping my true essence to myself. My new way is better because:  Those that accept me are  easy to be around because I can be natural and free and as a result  I have formed more meaningful relationships.

Maybe you are already your own biggest fan. Many people are just born with this confidence and self-acceptance and that is awesome! For me, it came later on and it is better than never!

Now go on and make an ass out of yourself. After you succeed at failing, I would love to hear about it. Write a message on this page about your experience.

“Fits Five Comfortably”

Said my backyard hot tub AND the gym I worked out in at New York City.

It’s true…I believe you can fit just as many people in my hot tub at home as you could have at the gym I was working out in during my trip to New York City. Manhattan to be exact. There was an incident where I was on the treadmill and could not get off because there were two other adults stretching out on their yoga mats. (they were sharing a mat due to limited space). If I got off I would have had to step up and over their heads. I was sweaty and didn’t feel confident in my posterior or my balance.

So I waited…and waited…and waited…and walked…and walked… and walked. In any other city this would not be a problem but in NYC they had to put the stretching area right behind the treadmills. Either there or NOWHERE. I guess I needed the extra time on the treadmill anyway.

The next “run in” I had was when I needed to get a drink of water, you know, because I was forced to walk more than a mile. There was a little water cooler there. Unfortunately, the towel storage was located on top of the water cooler jug. The thing is that one of the other exercisers happened to be there to grab a towel to dry off his sweat. I had to wait for him to do his business so that I could grab a drink from this multi-purposed jug/towel rack. Not really a big deal but a small deal for sure.

It is not a secret that space is limited in the “Big Apple” and I am certainly not the first to write about it. However, I feel I need to vent a bit here. The thing is we spent a small fortune on Broadway tickets and I got hurt in the theater. Like, I totally left there in physical pain and I was sweating.  I don’t consider myself a completely large woman…I mean I am slightly tall. I am 5’10 with an average frame. I think that I should be able to sit comfortably in a theater seat, Yeah, I guess that is the case anywhere but in NYC.

Here’s how the Broadway show hurt:

My knees were knocking the woman’s head in front of me and the person behind me knees were knocking my head and so on and so on. Everyone left with a concussion. Ending many football careers.

On top of that the person sitting next to me was hovering over onto my chair and I was doing the same to the person next to me and so on and so on. Resulting in artificial perceptions of attraction. Ending many marriages.

We had to keep our coats on because where else would it fit? As a result many people got all sweated up. Resulting in dehydration. Ending many lives.

Our purses had to sit on our lap in a matter that made us all look like paranoid old bag ladies. There was no space on the floor in front of us to put it down. Resulting in misconceived prejudices. Ending many political careers.

Everyones feet were too big to face forward in front of their seats resulting in us kicking the seat in front of us and the person behind us kicking our seat and so on and so on. Resulting in many fist fights. Ending many clean records.

Forget all of the natural bodily functions that we had the pleasure of witnessing with our five senses. Resulting in many upset stomachs. Ending many couture outfits.

Disclaimer: Size matters people. It just does.

Flying Solo…My Freedom from Anxiety

Flying Solo…might seem normal to many, however, I am completely bombarded with anxiety with the idea of it . Which is why I am making it a point to smash it right in the face. Here, right now, today, as I board the plane and head for New York City, all by myself. I am at war…with myself, with my thoughts, with my anxiety.

You see, I was diagnosed with having Panic Disorder when I was 20 years old making the ordinary seem extraordinary. Since I am a pleasantly stubborn person I have been making it a point to go war with the shithead, (AKA my anxiety) ever since.

As soon as I was given the diagnosis the war began. I do it by setting up battles with the shithead. At first the battles ended with seemingly small feats. For example, battle number 1 was to simply leave the house. Now adays I am on to bigger battles, i.e. the one I am fighting today which I am calling “Flying Solo”. There have been many other battles in between such as riding in a car as a passenger, hopping on the subway, spending the night away from home, going to the movies, etc. All of these actions are just a normal activity for many of you, however they are great successes for me.
At first the battles would frequently turn into long fights. Many times I lost. The losses were temporary due to to the fact that I have not and will not give up.

The battles that I have conquered are ones that I no longer have to think about. Once they are conquered they become just a normal activity for me…they are no longer extraordinary. Thankfully.

It is the “Flying Solo” battles that I am fighting currently. They are bigger battles with less fighting and the rewards are priceless. I am fighting for my freedom. Freedom from the shithead that has been trying to stand in my way of living peacefully.

There have been and will continue to be times that I try to trick myself into surrendering, and when this happens I make myself remember “the consequences” of surrendering.

“The consequence” looks, feels, and sounds like this:
Me, afraid.
Me, a prisoner…a prisoner of my home, my comfort, my ordinariness.
Me, lonely and depressed.
Me, always looking for a crutch.
Me, dreadful.
Me, dragging my loved ones down with me.
I REFUSE TO SUFFER “the consequences” so I will fight. I will fight for my freedom.

*Everyone has something.*

Honorable Mention: Eating healthy is my one of my biggest allies. Shout out to you, Food!

Day Tripping and Big Apple Eating…

I am still “Flying Solo” today. Today I am exploring the greatest and grandest city in the United States of America.
Currently, I am having a cup of coffee in Korea-town. So far today, I hit the gym, ate a glorious lunch and drank a subtlety flavorful glass of white wine at a little spot called, “The Herald”. Then I did a little New York shopping.
Even though I have been really enjoying myself, the war is still on. About 5 minutes ago my phone crashed. I have my ipad but unfortunately, this city does not have free wi-fi. Well, at least I can not find it. What this means is I am wandering around without a safety net. I will happily defeat this battle.

Your Perfume is Destroying the World

There are many flaws in this society that we live in…it’s all over the news. We are inundated by the stories regarding the racist cops, the gang-banger’s killing kids, global-warming,  the starving kids in Appalachia, obesity, health-care, and so on. Most people can sympathize with these issues, however there is a very important issue that is being ignored by the media and the politicians. I beg to ask, “Why?”. Especially when so many Americans are being affected by this issue. What is the “issue” that I am referring to? Well, it is called, Narcissistic Perfume Wearing.  “Perfume Wearing will be the single demise of America”, says top American environmentalist and psychologist with the initials,  R.V. So many American’s feel they are entitled to polluting the air quality, (and my shirt), with their perfume, but why? Since the media is dedicating their time to less concerning matters, let me take the time here to inform the perfume wearers of the catastrophe they are causing to the world around them. When you hug others YOUr perfume gets on their shirts which aids in the spread of this tragic infliction. The spreading will contribute to air quality issues and worse than that is people are stuck smelling like YOU all day long. You should know that us non-wearers have yet to smell a perfume fragrance that can bring us any delight. They all smell like a chemistry lab, so the fact that you are on us all day stinks, literally. Another thing to consider is that fashionista’s say perfume went out of style in the 90’s. In most cases environmentalists would suggest recycling “out of style” materials or donating, but not when it comes to perfume, burning them is the only solution. When we are out to eat and you have over-applied, which is always the case, the people around you have a hard time getting the true essence of their meal…all they smell is YOU.  Shocking to you is that we would rather smell the broccoli than that crap you are wearing. As a result of your perfume scent, we usually lose our appetite and throw our food away. There are kids starving and we just threw out our food because you smell bad. “Wasteful!”, says your grandmother. While working out, YOUr odor is a imperfect combination of B.O. and perfume. Yep, the person on the treadmill next to you is stuck with YOU and this odor combo. American’s are gaining weight at a staggering rate, I blame the perfume wearers for kicking us off the treadmills too soon. There have been times when your friends have lent you their clothes and YOU have gloriously sprayed them with your perfume stench…now they are stuck with the dry-cleaning bill. Dry cleaning chemicals are putting holes in the ozone. This is your fault. Many Americans struggle with allergies and/or asthma and now YOU show up with your perfume and complicate matters. All air quality and health issues are a result of you and your spraying. Personal disclosure, I went on a date with a guy that sprayed so much on himself that I needed to use my Epi-pen. True story. First and last date. Why is this phenomena still an issue? The answer is, narcissism. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of narcissism is, a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, vanity, prestige and power, and are mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process.  The problem with the perfume wearers is that they do not even know the problems they cause  because they are struggling with narcissism disorder. Notice that the common word used in the above scenarios is “YOU”. Perfume wearers believe that their choice in aroma is something all the people they encounter will enjoy the choice they have made. Here is the dilemma,  the people around you are stuck inhaling “your choice” and 99% of the time it is not enjoyed by others. Quite frankly it is a nuisance similar to a lingering fart. The difference is that a fart is not causing any harm to America. It is my duty to pick up where the media is lacking and help this society live up to the American standards that we are all entitled to. I will be spear-heading a peaceful march and demonstration in the streets of all three major cities with the hopes to stop the spraying of perfume. When you head out to the streets to participate in this movement, please chant the words, “Your Perfume; My poison”! Disclaimer: I’m sure you smell fine. I am only kidding.

Flames in Ferguson? Please, That’s Nothing Compared to…

PA-LEAzzz! That’s nothing compared to the damage I do regularly. I like to refer to myself as the “real suburban rebel”.

That’s right, I am a real suburban rebel. I stick it to the man frequently. You all better watch out because I can cause some real controversy in any and all towns I visit.

My staple offense is that I never and I mean NEVER wipe the gym equipment off after I use it. Reason? IF you are so concerned with sweat germs then you should wipe it BEFORE you get on. TAKE THAT!

At the school parking lot there reads a sign that says, “no left turn”. Guess what I do every time? Yep! I turn left, even if my destination is to the right. BOO-YAH!

Sometimes I tell people the dish I made is gluten-free when it actually has gluten in it. Hey, lighten up, I only do this to people without the allergy. I do this to vegetarians too. “Is this dish made with vegetarian stock?” me-“Yep”. (H no! I used chicken stock.) PA-LEASE.

No outside drinks?  Watch me leisurely drink my can of La Croix in every and all movie theaters. KISS MY GRITS!

I have lived up in here for over 8 years and I will NOT purchase a city sticker. FORGET THAT! “The man” wants to have his hand all up on my windshield. FAT CHANCE.

Library book due in three weeks? That’s a bunch of malarchy! I always return mine in three weeks and one day. SUCKERS!

No Smoking signs make me smoke and I do not even smoke. I don’t know how to inhale. FOOLS! WHO’S THE LOSER NOW?!

If the public bathroom stall is real small, there is no way I am going to flush that toilet while I am still in that micospace. Why? Because all that flushing flings everyone’s poop germs in to the air. FORGET THAT! I coined the line, “wipe and walk”. That’s what a rebel I am…I even have coined phrases.

Speaking of public bathroom stalls…I will always use the handicapped stall if it is available. Why? It is bigger and better and I have enough space to flush. That’s Why! I don’t even feel bad. Sometimes I have to wait to use the bathroom too. CHILLAX the later never actually happened!

Don’t even get me started on “j-walking”….

Take that “the man”! How does it feel?

Channeling the Thug Life to the Suburban Wife

Well, not entirely thug sometimes just smug…which might actually be the polar opposite of thug. Anywho…

Here’s my conflict, many specialists say that if we choose to speak to our children as though they are young adults they will feel respected and as a result will gain confidence. I concur because quite frankly, It doesn’t work for me. In fact, I never even tried. The reason is because I have a great theory. My theory is that adults need to speak to their kids in popular hip hop quotes from the 90’s. When the kids hear these phrases they will be so disorientated that they will respond positively. For example, they will feel more respected and as a result they will gain confidence. Once this happens the parent/child relationship will flourish. So far,  this has not been the case with me and my kids…I know  it will happen eventually and if nothing else, it will build a whole lot of character. This much I know.

I am willing to let you all in on my secret communication cues. Please get your pen and paper ready because you will want to take notes.

“Here we go, yo’, (this is the scenario)”: 

“Warm it up Chris” – to be used when referring to toasting toast or warming up the car during the colder months. The kids will gather to the table or in to the car upon hearing this sentence.

“Ya’ll ready for this?” – to be used when heading out of the car and toward the final destination…the kids will be sure to turn off the car television and any devices upon hearing this sentence.

“It’s all about the Benjimins.” – to be used when referring to allowances. The kids will efficiently start their chores upon hearing this sentence.

“What’s your man got to do with me?” – to be used whenever your child is making excuses for misbehaving.

“Drop it like it’s hot.” – to be used when your child is showing you something at the store they want you to buy them. They will be sure to put the item back where they found it without any hesitation upon hearing this sentence.

“Ain’t no thang” – To be used when your child is upset about a friend “dissing’ them. They will be sure to dis’ them upon hearing this sentence.

“O.G.” – This acronym is to be used when you need your child to take out the original garbage, not the recycling.

“You’re all up in my grill”– To be used when your child is too close to the fire, or oven, or the actual grill. He or she will promptly take a step back upon hearing this sentence.

“Stop, collaborate and listen”- To be used whenever you want to call a family meeting. All family members are sure to hither upon hearing this sentence.

“Hotel, motel, Holiday Innnn.” – To be used whenever you suggest to your kids they can have a sleepover.  This one is a fan favorite.

“Out on bail, fresh outta’ jail.” – To be used to communicate to your child that their off their grounding. They will never commit the same crime upon hearing this sentence.

“Beats from the East” – To be used in reference to turning the channel on the car radio. The kids will immediately change the station from the pop station to the oldies upon hearing this sentence.

“One, two, three, four, get your booty off the floor” –  To be used to tell your child to get off the ground and to sit up on the chair nicely. *notice the change the word “off” used to be “on”. They will sit nice and still in a seating device upon hearing this sentence.

“Whooop! There it is!” – To be used whenever you find that item the kid has been looking for. He or she will put their item away in its correct place this time upon hearing this sentence.

“Laaaaid back” – To be used when you need to communicate to your child that  it is bedtime. He or she will immediately head upstairs to bed.

Please consider using the above sentences to communicate to your child efficiently and respectively. The kids will be happy and you will relive your teenage years. It is a win-win and hey, you might even see the results I have been waiting for.

Feel free to comment on more 90’s hip hop sentences you use to communicate to your kids. Thank you in advance.

Peace out, playa’s.